Marriage, MLB Style

What if marriage was a commitment only as deep as a Major League Baseball contract? Marriage doesn’t seem to hold much dignity anymore, and half of us who pop the question will try to back out a year or two later. Divorce rates are higher than ever, and only appear to be climbing. People change (she got into a car accident and she isn’t attractive anymore), feelings change (I don’t think I love you anymore), and people’s knowledge of other people’s feelings change (when we got married, you didn’t tell me that you had a fetish for midget feet). Like the old adage goes, “The only constant is change.”

The MLB knows this fact. Teams pick top prospects for a certain length of time and pay a significant chunk of change, and in return, these players better produce. Pitchers better keep their ERA down, batters keep their RBI up, and Alex Rodriguez better throw up a few hundred home runs a season.

So, why can’t we sign 5 or 10 year marriage agreements, instead of forever? Why can’t we use baseball-like statistics to determine the value of a marriage contract between both parties? A gal who wants to become a mother of a red-haired kid with blue eyes and the potential to have an IQ over 140 would look at free-agent, red-haired professors. A prospective professor might be looking for a female nymphomaniac, so the aforementioned gal better be a freak. This could be a great 5 or even 10 year contract. Love would not need to exist, because each party has a reason for signing in to begin with.

I do not necessarily think this is how marriage should be. I simply wonder what the outcome would be if this were possible.

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